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I'm not sure if you all saw this on Oprah or somewhere else but just in case you didn't... I had to share it with the people I care about. http://video.stumbleupon.com/#p=ithct48cqw Every now and then we come across a human being with extraordinary strength and wisdom that helps to remind us of why we should treasure each and every day and live every moment of our lives full of love and wonder. Why there is no time for envy, hate or pity. Why living right, loving right and helping others is worth more than a big bank account. Why all that small stuff that some people let consume them... just really doesn't matter. ;) We've talked a lot about perspective here lately. He sorta sums it all up, doesn't he? This battle we face that brought us together here is just one part of such a big picture. Fighting it, and coming out on top, begins first with our attitude about it. If we can look at it, not as 'poor us' having all this weight to lose, but instead that at least we have the opportunity to do it...to change it... and understand how that alone can empower us to keep going and how it effects every other aspect of our being... well then, we've already won! ;) It doesn't matter if you have 400 pounds to lose. What matters is today. This very moment. What matters is your attitude. The choice you make right now simply because you want to live better. Then you keep doing it. Sure, you'll fall. But you get back up. Attitude! Having weight to lose makes our focus to live better that much clearer ...if you let it. Setting goals and accomplishing them empowers every other part of your life. The 'poor me'... does nothing but make you sink further. The 'oh well'... can do the same if you dont learn from it. We need to change how we look at it. We need to change our attitude about it. We need perspective.
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Once again, this entry is a long time coming!
In March we went to London. The day we flew out I fell down the stairs at work and, as my mom likes to say..."I creeled". I missed a couple of stairs and came down sideways on my foot. I twisted my ankle so bad it immediately blew up to the size of a football. Ouch! Being the stubborn girl I am I decided that I was ok. I finished work in pain and just went home to finish packing and get ready to fly out. Well, after about 5 minutes at home, and some excruciating pain, I realized that I needed an xray and hopped to the car with tears in my eyes and we were off to the hospital.
I thought the lady at check-in was going to drop after looking at my ankle. They took me in for xrays and told me it was a severe sprain. I had an air cast put on, I was given crutches and was told to stay off of it for at least a week. Not a problem...except...I was leaving for London that afternoon. :)
Now I know this happens to alot of people and it used to be something that happened to me quite often in my younger days even though I was quite athletic. Just one wrong step and I was put in a cast. Since I had lost weight and started walking/running regularly it hadn't happened once. It was one of those rewards you don't really expect but are truly grateful for. Lying in that bed in the emergency room I could have kicked myself! If I had still been working out as I should have been I would most likely not be there. Instead I spent the entire time in London hobbling around on crutches all day long. It took me a while to recover too. It wasn't easy but I figured it was my penance.
I took it as a sign.
In June we were off to Iceland to see Steffi and Torben. Now Steffi's been with me almost the entire journey. We've seen each other off and on over the last 6 years or so. She's very committed and I don't think she'd mind me saying that she was always so focused on the scale, as many of us are. She was also my partner in the 'i'm working out so much, why isn't the scale moving anymore" saga. It's not an easy thing and it's why alot of people quit. I could feel the frustration when reading her posts and could relate well to it. She never gave up though...and that, in itself, was always inspiring.
Because it's almost always daylight in Iceland at this time of year, they attended a 5k run in the middle of the night. Before the race began Steffi didn't seem so motivated to be there...it was, afterall, very late and it had been quite a long day since they had to get us at the airport in the early morning hours. She psyched herself up and started stretching out and warming up with her friends. I was so excited for her but couldn't help thinking that if I had just kept running myself I could be joining them instead of just watching from the sidelines.
Another sign.
We took pictures of Torben and Steffi throughout the course. Torben won his race...and quickly. Steffi came around the bend alot sooner than many of the other runners and it was obvious that the endorphins she picked up along the way were lifting her sky high! A whole new attitude...renewed motivation...a true passion and love for what she was doing. I remember that feeling so well. I felt it wash over me as she completed her race. I wanted it back!! How intoxicating that was for me!
Steffi has always loved to swim and run and Torben has been a serious and committed tri-athlete for as long as I've known him. I didn't expect that this had changed but I also didn't expect to be as motivated as I was ...by both of them. Steffi's whole attitude had changed. She had no idea how much healthier she was really. To do something because it gets you something else, like the scale moving, is one thing but to do it out of the pure passion and dedication you have for it without even seeing the rewards you reap is truly inspiring. Steffi looked to me as she did when I saw her at her smallest weight way back in 2001. She didn't see that, though. She still saw herself as bigger than she was and biked and ran and swam because she develped a true passion for it...no matter the reward. It wasn't until I pointed out older pictures that she could see how different she looked. To know that came out of passion and not struggle sheds a new light on everything.
Torben is really a super guy but I thought that he was one of those people you and I love to 'hate' because he doesn't gain weight. He is tall and thin but he has quite an appetite. I wouldn't have guessed he could fit that much in his belly. They had cute rules for themselves so they could still have all the foods they loved...like candy! Once a week, if they ran a race, that person could choose the place they bought their one bag of candy. It was adorable to watch steffi try and manipulate the rules so they could go to her place where she thought they had the better candy...but at the same time it made so much sense.
Moderation not deprivation.
Torben isn't just naturally thin....he works for it. He works very hard...doing what he loves to do. Steffi didn't just get back to this size because she suffered with salads and avoided her beloved ice cream...as she tried to do for so many years...she worked for it. Only, they don't look at it as work. They don't look at it as something they must do...they want to do it. It makes them feel good. It gives them something to do together and it helps them make better choices in other areas of their lives.
The short time we spent there certainly renewed my passion for everything good we can do for ourselves and our attitude toward it. It reminded me of how I used to feel when I was working out consistently. I want it back. Who cares what the scale says? Who cares if we ever reach that magic number? There is nothing better than those endorphins lifting you higher!
Soon after we left a big race they had been training for all year was cancelled. Not cool and Steffi was genuinely upset by this.
I wonder, though, if she realized that she didn't have to race to know that she had already won!
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 Hello, do you know me?
If you don't, you should. I'm a pound of fat,
And I'm the HAPPIEST pound of fat that you would ever want to meet.
Want to know why?
It's because no one ever wants to lose me;
I'm ONLY ONE POUND, just a pound!
Everyone wants to lose three pounds, five pounds, or fifteen pounds, but never only one.
So I just stick around and happily keep you fat.
Then I add to myself, ever so slyly, so that you never seem to notice it.
That is, until I've grown to ten, twenty, thirty or even more pounds in weight.
Yes, it's fun being ONLY ONE POUND OF FAT, left to do as I please.
So, when you weigh in, keep right on saying, "Oh, I only lost one pound."
(As if that were such a terrible thing.)
For you see, if you do this, you'll encourage others to keep me around because they'll think I'm not worth losing.
And, I love being around you - your arms, your legs, your chin, your hips and every part of you.
Happy Days!!!
After all, I'm ONLY ONE POUND OF FAT!!!
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"I can never finish what I start".... I read that in the forums today and immediately thought 'but there is no finish'.
I just "celebrated" my 10th year at this...(wow!)...and still feel like i'm learning and struggling and fighting all the time. I'm not even at my ideal weight so i'm not 'finished' either. I may reach that magical number one day but even then....I wont be finished. Every day is a new start. Every day there are choices in front of me and I need to make those choices based on what i've learned over the past decade. I need to decide how important it is to me with each and every bite I take. Andrea used to say "how bad to you want it?"...and "what are you willing to do to get it?"
There was a time that weight loss was all consuming for me. At 400 pounds I guess it really needed to be. Had I not made it such an important part of my life, I'd probably not be here now typing this. But, admittedly, the 10 miles a day thing and being finatical about writing down every bite I took was a bit much. What can I say? I wanted it that bad!
I did find a balance, maybe a bit too soon (lol) but I did find it. I know that eating right not only helps at the scale but it makes me feel good. I know that exercise and endorphins are natures anti-depressant and I that I feel awesome when I do it! I try to take care of myself now for reasons well beyond the scale. I also know that in order to keep losing I need to write in my journal every single day and I need to exercise almost religiosly, it's the price I pay for having lost so much weight (and muscle).... I've come to terms with that. I eat better than most people I know. I move my body somehow daily and I still feel great. I want it.... just not as bad as I used to right now. It doesn't mean that I didn't finish...it just means i'm still on that journey. I'm ok with not having perfection because I still weigh an entire person less than what I used to!
Admittedly, I'm not always perfect at this. I still like my red light foods and I do still have them on occassion. The difference is that I don't eat until I can't move now, i've learned moderation and have lots of tips and tricks to keep me on track even if I do induldge. I don't sabotage myself by thinking " I can't " because I had more than I should have or didn't get out to walk or run like I said I would. I get up each day knowing I have a choice and using what I have learned to push me forward with enthusiasm instead of back with regret.
Each and every day is a new start! |
Yes, i'm an Alanis fan. :)
Recently I talked with someone who has as much weight to lose as I did when I started this journey. She is/was so overwhelmed with the numbers and can't even begin to imagine losing even half of what she is facing. Of course it's easy for me to relate. I never really knew how much I weighed back then because most scales only go up to 300 and I was already over 400. When I went to the doctor's office I had to stand backwards on the scale because my belly was so big and they had to add these weights to the end to get where I needed it to go and balance it out. So, as you can probably imagine, the first time I stepped on the scale at Weight Watchers and learned that I had over 200 pounds to lose I too was overwhelmed, to say the least.
It's easy for me to go back to how I felt then and I knew just what this woman needed to hear because it's what I wish someone would have told me back then. I've learned an awful lot in this 10 year journey. Both about myself and about this process. I've learned that it really doesn't matter so much how much you have to lose. Whether it's 20 pounds or 200 pounds, you still need to learn the lessons. You still need to change the behaviors...for life. The only difference is that when you have a significant amount to lose there is probably more to change and more to learn. That's not such a bad thing. As long as you remember that the process, the learning, the changing and the growing doesn't stop once you reach a certain number. As long as you keep up the fight, stay humble and never forget from where it is you started you'll get there. One way or another.
So because i'm trying to revamp the website and light a fire under my own butt, and hopefully some others, i've been thinking alot about all the things i've learned along the way and all we do to get the scale to move down. Ultimately that is what we all want or why we all started this journey or found our way here in the first place. Seeing yourself in someone else's eyes and words and taking your own advice sure helps you keep things in perspective.
Perspective - It's not all or nothing.
When we don't have 2 hours to commit to exercise or when we don't get in our 5-7 servings of fruit and veggies each day or stay within our guidelines should we just give up on everything else and call the day a wash??? Do we just eat that extra piece of pizza or have that dessert because we didn't perfect the day we had planned anyway? Many of us do just that.
Here's the thing. When you keep in mind that 3500 calories in or out is 1 pound on or off it's easy to make better choices...even when the rest of the day/week/whatever hasn't been perfect. That extra bite, extra serving...extra day 'off'...it's extra calories. It could very well be that extra pound you're so afraid of! The scale doesn't know that you took that day 'off' or wait for you to get back to it. It sounds as though it's common sense BUT we have all thought this way at one point or another.
Get over it! - So you ate too much. So you didn't work out as you had intended to. So you shoulda had a V8 instead of that gallon of ice cream. What did you do today? Did you park further away at the store? Did you take the stairs instead of the elevator? Did you avoid that snack at the office?
It works the other way too. Excuses are just that. You just weighed in and feel like you can eat whatever you want because you don't have to get on the scale until next week now. Newsflash - it often takes days for your body to adjust to all you've consumed. The scale is just one measure of your success at this. Many things factor in to the number you see...not just what you consume. Using the same excuse all the time without any attempt to change it does no good...fools no one. The only one you're hurting or fooling...is yourself. Nobody else really cares that much. :) |
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I do hope this finds you all healthy, happy and full of life!
I don't have alot to add but thought it time I updated just so that you all know i'm still alive and kicking harder than ever. :) Things are going well in my world although it seems life is almost at a standstill right now. For some reason Mark has not filed the divorce paperwork that I gave him (signed and stamped) last June. Because of this Russell has to leave the continent every 3 months and cannot apply for residency. He went back home in November to spend Christmas with his entire family and in March we will go to London for a few days. I can't really comment on the reasoning behind Mark's delay as he will not address the issue with me at all (strange, but true) but i've learned many important lessons in this past year...one very important one is not letting him or his life choices affect me emotionally anymore.
When I got back from New Zealand last summer and had my yearly physical I learned that I had lost quite a bit of weight while I was away without even being aware of it. I try not to get on the scale too often but in the past 6 months or so I feel those same jeans I was wearing then getting a little tighter each time I put them on. I know I've not been focusing enough on my diet or exercise and need to do so or I can be 400 pounds again in a matter of months. Just yesterday I put my treadmill in a good place, 'unfolded' it and left it that way so it calls my name every day. I have my water bottle sitting in front of me now and a fresh salad waiting at home. One day at a time!
We are keeping busy redoing the kitchen and getting out to play in our first snow storm of the season here in N.E.
Russell and I are driving up to Maine this weekend to spend some time with Suzie and meet her new grandbaby. It will be good to get away.
I'm planning on revamping the entire getting2goal website. I truly believe it will help to spring me right back into the healthy lifestyle I know enjoy so much. I hope you all come along with me and send me all your thoughts and ideas.
Take good care and be happy!
Kim
Feb. 16th, 2007 @ 09:17 am
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| » Times they are a'changin |
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Hard to believe it's been over a year since I last posted an entry here. A very big thank you to all of you who visit just to read my thoughts and take the time to send me kind words. It still means so much to me that I am thought of and wished well....even after all these years.
I appologize for my hiatus but, as you will soon learn, life has taken some pretty major turns for me and my family in the past year. Some bad...some good. I needed time to just deal with all of the strong emotions that come with such big changes... and time to greive for what was as well. I needed time to just worry about me and what I wanted, to think about my kids and what I was teaching them. Some of you already know that Mark and I are now separated, have been for over 6 months now actually. That's quite a big change after 20 years. In hindsight, i'm now aware that I've been fighting for something I was never going to get for at least a couple of years now. Mark and I started dating in high school and he soon became my entire world. To love and share so much...to give yourself, your heart, your love and trust to someone so completely. It's what I wanted most from my life...i've always know that. It's what I was taught as a child. It's what he said he wanted to. The structure of a strong relationship can define who and what you are and it gives you a safe place to run to when life throws it's shit at you. It's what we should hold most sacred...it's where your focus goes when you're on your last breath of life.
We were very happy for a long time and we went through so much together. I thought we'd be together forever. It seems the differences in us that once complimented our relationship began to push us apart. Lies were told and trust was broken and what I held most sacred in my life started to disappear in front of my eyes. I tried very hard...I fought like hell. He didn't. There are things I could and probably should have done differently, things i should have said or done...not that it would have made a difference in the big picture. I'm quite sure he feels the same. It's sad but it seems our lives have taken different directions. We want different things. He is a much different person than I am and a much different person from the man I married. I understand that part of it is genetic but it becomes your own fault when you choose not to do anything about it. Just like weight loss. You can't complain about being fat while you're stuffing your face with a quarter pounder with cheese...just doesn't work that way! To work so hard for something when the other person has given up, not only on himself, but on you as well...well, it's pointless. I finally got that. I'll admit it's been hard for me to let go and to stop caring or worrying about him so much ...it's who I am...but i've reached a place now that feels so much healthier and happier. Being apart has shown me that i've really been carrying all of the weight (no pun intended ...lol) for a long, long time now. It showed me that he isn't who I married anymore. He became who I created in my head and not the person he truly turned into. It showed me that I was making excuses for him and that I really did deserve all that I believed I was missing. This is a good thing! It's ok that he doesn't want to fix himself and that he doesn't want to have to work for anything...that's his choice..doesn't mean I need to be a part of it.
The kids are good. It's been a long road for them too but, in the end, what I want most for them is to love and to be loved and as it turns out..I wasn't setting a very good example for them the past couple of years. They miss their dad being here every night but in all honesty, he's a better father being away and giving them more quality time when they are together. Fingers crossed that lasts. Things seem to be settling and a new beginning awaits....
So on to some good news... there is someone new in my life. Well, he's not really new as i've known him for 8 years now...but he is new in the respect that our relationship has recently evolved to a whole new level. Russell is someone that I met online and, although he is 9 years younger than I, was immediately intrigued by. He is brilliant and artisitc and he is filled with such love, compassion, emotion ..and, maybe most importantly, common sense. Over time he became my dearest friend and most trusted confidant. As he lives on the other side of the world, we did not 'get together' often but he did come to visit once. We had a great time. He was always well aware of my deep devotion to mark and was actually a driving force in my fight to keep my marriage strong and happy. Ironic, isn't it? Anyway, In April I flew to Australia (where he works) to visit with him for a couple of weeks. He then flew back to the states with me to spend two weeks here with me and my kids. I won't say it was perfectly blissful as we are both dealing with such strong emotions and change but he opened my eyes and gave me a clearer picture of what I want, need and deserve...him.
As of right now the plan is for the kids and I to spend the summer in Australia with him as he finishes up his work. In August we will fly over to New Zealand, where he is from, to visit with his family and tour what I believe to be the most beautiful place in the world. After leaving N.Z., he will come home to live with the kids and I. As he has a masters in Engineering Geology and, even more importantly, that inner drive to accomplish and produce, I can't imagine it will be too hard for him to find work here and be happy in that work.
 This is Russ and I on the beach in Yeppoon, Australia.
So, as you see, many changes. My weight is about the same as it was this time last year although I did go up about 20 pounds that I took back off again. That 20 still feels as bad as 200! It leaves me now about 25 pounds from my all time low and probably 50 or so from where i'd like to be. My diet is still good although I face the same demons of not eating enough and not exercising enough. It's now been 9 years since I began this journey and today I am still 175 pounds less than I was when I began. I'm proud of that but not so proud that I don't think about going the rest of the way almost daily. It keeps me in check! I know what I need to do...exercise like a mad woman and journal my food religiously. I'll get there. It does feel good to me that most of this has become habit now and I never lose sight of where I once was. All of you, all of this...getting2goal...has alot to do with that! So thanks!
I promise to write again soon.
May. 14th, 2006 @ 01:59 pm
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| » Time Flys.... |
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It's not that i have alot to add this morning. It's more that if I don't check in here every now and then the emails start to come....my friends begin to wonder if i'm stumbling along this rocky path and maybe need a shoulder to help carry me. People just want to know that i'm ok ...if I need some support or sometimes, just how my life is going. I am truly blessed to have that.
When I am away it really usually is just because i'm busy or that I feel like my sharing my thoughts with you is more just ramblings that nobody's interested in. I understand that people want to know how i'm doing, what i'm eating, that i'm not struggling. It gives them hope for themselves. After all it's most likely the reason you're reading this entry in the first place. It's what I look for in others..it's human nature. But I really want you to come here and take something away with you each and every time...not to just read letters put together for the sake of having something to read. I hope you understand.
My weight is about the same, I think a few pounds down than it was a few months ago. I still don't get on the scale much. I don't journal as often as I should or get on the treadmill as much as I could either. I can feel a pound or two added or taken off my body on any given day. Do you suppose that confirms that i'm now officially 'normal' ? When you're 400 pounds you spend so much time consumed with how you look, with food and diet and what the numbers say and all that you can't do. Not being 'normal'. It's refreshing to not be so overwhelmed by it that it takes over everything else in your life. Other things matter to you more. That's a good thing. You miss out on life itself being overly consumed with the things that come with being...that you.
I've come to learn that those few pounds also help to remind you, if you let them, of that 'you' that you used to be. Of that...'you' that consumed every part of your being and didn't allow you to be who you really are or enjoy your life the way that it was meant to be enjoyed. I'm amazed at how well I remember all of those emotions. Some people pray to forget. I learned a long time ago to never forget the lessons life teaches me. Even though they are sometimes almost more painful than I can stand....those lessons teach you...they are what molds you into the person you are.
I don't tend to complain too much if I go up a few pounds...not to the world anyway. And never, ever, to the people who tell me that 'i've done so well and should be happy cuz it's only a few pounds". I only tend to say anything to the people who really know me and remind me to suck it up...who know what I need. Who talk to me like I talk to myself. Who encourage me because they know how important it is for me to be proud of me. I am my worst critic, I am my own judge and jury. I know myself well enough to understand the solution and I know that talk, without action, is just hot air.
So don't plan on hearing me bitching about it. Look forward to me doing something about it.
I've still not broken down and had any diet coke. What a stubborn woman I am. lol I guess I feel like if I do it will just become a staple in my home again and I don't want that. Time will tell I suppose.
We are enjoying the 'new/old' house alot more than the last one. Having an older house certainly comes with more work but living here is still so much more peaceful. The neighborhood is prettier, the house has so much unique character and the yard is just great..even though it needs some TLC. Many of my older relatives live around the neighborhood on the street named after my family. I like that my kids are exposed to that. I was too and I think it did me alot of good. The other neighbors are really great too...the kind of people you want next door. It's so much more like home.
I've been on this path for 8 years now. I don't plan on getting off of it...ever. It's a part of me. It's a big part of who I am. So continue to support me as I will you...but please don't worry about me. I will be good and if I need you...i'm not too proud to ask.
The next chapter's not written yet so who knows what the future will bring.... for now we just continue to do the best we can do each and every day. Appreciate our lives for what they are...and all that we have. Never take the things you love for granted. Want not..DO instead. Keep learning, keep laughing and keep loving. Most of all keep believing in the power of you. I believe.
Kim
May. 3rd, 2005 @ 11:24 am
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| » A year without soda.. |
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One year ago today we started the 100 day challenge at Getting2Goal. As part of this particular challenge we asked our members to omit something from their diet for twelve weeks. For some it was a red light food or something they felt dependent on. For others it was merely a way to prove to themselves that they could do something they may have thought themselves incapable of doing.
For me that something was diet coke. I wanted to shake things up and chose something that was a part of my daily dietary routine...a habit. Early in my journey I realized that I was drinking far too much soda and set the standard that there would be no diet coke for me until after at least 8 - 8 ounce glasses of water each day. That worked well for me but I noticed that diet coke seemed to trigger less restrictive behaviors in me. I did some research and asked around and I found that others experienced the same sort of effects. Because you can pretty much find information to support any claim, I am still not certain if those behaviors are/were chemical or phsycological. I just know that I felt less control when I put the water down and picked up a glass of diet coke. For all of those reasons, soda was omitted from my diet.
Because I can be extremely stubborn, it was not difficult for me to omit the soda for those twelve weeks. It's easy enough for me to just keep things out than it is to have them in moderation...especially when I challenge myself to do it. But by the end of the twelve weeks i had not noticed anything new or substantial in regards to my behaviors. The only real benefits seemed to be that I was drinking more water and actually incorporating fruit juices into my diet. More calories...yes...but variation has proven to be an important factor in keeping me motivated to continue this journey with some excitment.
The extra water was a huge benefit because, no matter how much I drink, the pangs of what feels like hunger always seem to be satisfied with a tall glass of water. Also, because of my own challenge, my family agreed not to bring soda into the house. They still ordered it when out and had a bottle here and there but they too learned how to incorporate more water into their diets...always a good thing and very much worth my own deprivation to see my kids consuming more of what's good for them.
So, I decided to conitue this challenge. At first I just kept it out with no time limits...just knowing it was doing us all better. After some more time passed I figured a full year would be a true test of my commitment to myself. As of today, it's been exactly one year.
I haven't lost any more weight by keeping soda out of my diet. I haven't noticed changes as far as headaches or hunger...etc. I don't think that diet coke is necisarily a bad thing and i'm quite sure that i'll be incorporating a glass here and there back into my diet. The only thing I feel like I missed is The BBQ Sauce, made with diet coke, that I used so often in my meals.
What I have learned through this 'self-test' is to be less dependent on something that was once a very important staple in my household. Something that at one time I thought I couldn't do without.
Another testament to the control we really do have over ourselves. Never say never.
Jan. 12th, 2005 @ 10:54 am
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| » Happy New Year! |
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Around this time of year the boards get extremely active. Everyone seems to have a resolution for the new year and many of those resolutions are weight or health related.
People come in with such good intentions. They leave posts and set goals certain that 'this is the time'.
We all do it.
Unfortunately, most of those new faces that we see will not be with us for very long. Dreams of being thinner and healthier are often too easily erased with that first cookie. Why do you suppose it's so easy for us to give up on ourselves? Why do we let that cookie determine whether or not we reach the goals we set for ourselves?
Something I’ve found to be very much in common with those of us with an extreme amount of weight to lose is that we tend to put others needs in front of our own. We would do almost anything for somebody else. If a friend came to us distraught at having blown his/her diet, it’s very likely we would do our best to pick that person up. We would counter any negative or critical comment with a positive one in an effort to raise their spirits and get them back on the right track. That part comes naturally to us.
So, why don’t we treat ourselves with the same kind of respect? If we find ourselves struggling we are so quick to put ourselves down or give up all together. We make excuses for our weaknesses and beat ourselves up in the process. We tell ourselves that we were just meant to be fat…that we are weak and have no will….that we’ll just start again…another day…etc., etc.
Isn’t it bad enough that society judges and chastises us based on our weight? Why do we do that to ourselves too? Why do we feel we are less worthy than others?
There are ways to counter that self defeating attitude. First you have to understand what it is that puts you in that frame of mind. Is it that cookie that sends you off program? Is it the lack of energy and effort you want to put into your exercise program? Figure out what your downfalls really are and where your demons lie. Then work on them…one by one. Baby steps!
It’s important to always remember that nobody is perfect. No matter how good you are at this, you will make mistakes. I would bet that person at their ideal goal weight still eats cookies. The real trick is not giving up. It’s learning how not to make it an entire package of cookies simply because you had the one. Figuring out how to shake it off and get right back to where you want to be without letting your entire dream shatter is key.
So you need to find what works best for you to ‘snap out of it’. For me, writing has worked wonders for as long as I can remember. There’s something about putting my thoughts into words that releases the negativity and strengthens my soul. It helps me to understand the thoughts that are dancing around in my head and enables me to get to know myself better. Writing can help you to determine what sends you off program and then what helps you to get back on track again.
Exercise is also key for me. Endorphins create a natural high and the time spent working out is also a great time for reflection. There are times I just do not want to even begin a workout but I’ve learned over the years that it’s those times I often have my best sessions. Getting going can be tough but once my heartbeat gets up there I’m raring to go!
Do what you have to do to get to know yourself and understand your behaviors better. That’s your starting point for figuring out how to change them. Be stubborn on your own behalf.
“Me” time is essential. Learning how to fit “you” into your busy lifestyle is not only key to your success when it comes to weight loss, but it is key to a successful life as well. Take a leisurely stroll, work in the garden, have a hot bubble bath or a session of yoga. Call a friend, make a lunch date when you should be cleaning a closet or turn up the music and dance around your house. Whatever it takes! Your spouse, your children, your job, your home….will all be that much better when you learn to make that time for yourself. It doesn’t seem that it would be that way but give it a try and find out for yourself. Learn to celebrate YOU!
Goal-setting is probably the most critical factor of changing your behaviors. For many of us that long term goal we set for ourselves can seem so far off…almost unattainable. It’s overwhelming to think about losing 100, 200 or more pounds. So, while it’s important to set a long term goal…a place you would love to eventually be at, it’s even more important to have short term goals.
Some of us set weekly or monthly exercise goals. Some join the 12 week getting2goal challenges. When we are struggling or when special occasions arise it can help a lot to have daily, or even hourly, short term goals.
What’s just as important is rewarding your achievements. You must recognize and reward yourself for the efforts you are making. It doesn’t have to be extreme or anything of monetary value. It can be something as simple as reading a chapter from your favorite book or buying yourself a new candle. Positive reinforcement and reward may seem selfish and unnecessary but it validates the changes you are making in a very real way and forces you to recognize those baby steps that will eventually lead you to the big ‘prize’.
Support plays an enormous role in weight loss. The success of Getting2Goal and connection between its members proves just that. There is something about going through this with the people that truly understand your desperation…and your dreams. We are all from different walks of life, different races, different religions, different beliefs and lifestyles but there is something very real and refreshing about having people who understand to talk to anytime of the day or night. Only the person who has had trouble fitting into a booth at a restaurant, who must order their clothing through a catalog, or who cannot fit into theatre seats or amusement rides can truly understand where you are coming from when you note the same.
These people also understand the struggle. They know what it’s like to fall back into old behaviors. They know what it’s like to look in the mirror and not like what they see looking back. They know it’s hard to put so much effort into something that seems so far off. These people are who remind me of why….
… I put effort into this same journey everyday.
… I’m worth that effort.
… I go that extra mile even when I don’t want to.
… Even without reward, I’m better because of the strides I’m making on my own behalf.
… I understand that even though I may struggle today…tomorrow it’s likely I will be at the top of my game.
The list goes on and on.
It is the strongest of us that seeks support for that which we desire most.
If it appears as though I have all the answers, I’m here to tell you that I most certainly do not. After almost 8 years on this particular venture I am still not where I set out to be that first day. I still have weight to lose. I still stumble and I still crawl. I have not yet reached my long term goal but I have changed in more ways that I ever imagined I would. I am still close to 200 pounds less than what I was when I began this journey. I can run for miles whereas before I could barely walk up a flight of stairs. I fit into normal size clothes that I can buy in a regular store and when I look into the mirror I like who I see looking back. My health has improved in so many ways that my doctor still invites his interns in the room to meet me. I don’t know that I would even be alive right now had I not taken the steps to change my life that I have. I am not, and probably will never be, 100% content with how I look on the outside. The fact is I don’t know anybody that is. That’s ok with me. There are times I feel as though I am still that 400 pound woman struggling with all of the same feelings. I assume that will never leave me and, honestly, I hope it never does. Being reminded is not such a bad thing when you keep it all in perspective. I don’t want to forget because I don’t ever want to go back.
Although I have struggled and suffered through things that no human being should ever have to endure, I have no regrets and I would not change a thing. I know it could be much, much worse. My life has molded me into who I am. I am no longer afraid of change or struggle. There are things I want and I don’t doubt for a moment that I will go after them with full force…. on my own terms!
I take the most pleasure in knowing that my difficult journey inspires so many others to help themselves. That is how most of you found your way here. I want nothing more than to prove to that 400 pound woman that she can accomplish anything that she puts her mind to as long as she believes in herself. Watching others succeed and prove things to themselves that they once thought of as unattainable has been my greatest joy in running this website.
I get more email than you could imagine. There are those who just wish to congratulate me. Those who have had success themselves and write to tell me how well they relate to some of the things I’ve said. Then there are those desperate letters. People who, no matter their weight, just want the answer. I can feel the desperation in their words…they could have been my own several years ago.
The truth is there really is no easy answer. That’s why no pill works, that’s why no one program is best for everybody. That’s why nobody can have all the answers.
To some, reaching an ideal number is priority. Some would just be happy with a few pounds gone. Some just want better healthy. Some people will travel down this path an awful long time before even being rewarded with noticeable change. That’s where the importance of reward comes in.
For each of us, this path is so very different. Our struggles are varied and complex. What helps one person most and is a constant struggle may come so easy to another. What’s labeled as a red light food for one person may be easily avoided by another. An exercise that some of us might see as ‘insane’ may be just what the other may need.
So, what’s the answer?
Well, that depends very much on you.
The only truly successful plan would be one that is catered specifically to you and your lifestyle…your likes, your dislikes with food, exercise…etc. The only one who can give you the answers you’re looking for …is you. Have faith in yourself. Learn about you and how you work. Face your demons. Find out what helps you…and what hurts you. Treat yourself like you would treat your best friend. Find an exercise or workout plan that you truly enjoy…and that’s not to say all the time. Food choices, exercise…treating yourself better. Find ways to reward your efforts with the things that you love and try some new things.
Remember that you will fall but there is nothing that is holding you down…except you. “The only one who can stop you…is you! And you can take her!”
Find a good resource for support, whether it be Getting2Goal or somewhere else, and use it! Track your thoughts, track your food…then go back on those journals to get a better idea of how to do it better. Keep asking yourself how bad you want it..and what you’re willing to do to get it. Keep reaching, keep striving, keep fighting…and you will accomplish more than even your wildest dreams have ever imagined.
A very happy and healthy new year to you all!
Jan. 1st, 2005 @ 01:47 pm
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| » You can't expect to hit the jackpot if you don't put a few nickels in the machine. - Flip Wilson |
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One would assume that a person who once weighed 400 pounds would have more of a problem limiting food intake than not consuming enough. I suppose that's one of the misconceptions we, who spend so much time in the world of weight loss, eventually find out on our own. Well some of us anyway. You would think that after over 7 years of this I would be somewhat of an expert, not allowing myself to fall into the same trap i've had to dig myself out of so many times before.
It goes to show you that we should always be in a constant state of improvment and growth no matter how far along we are. This whole healthy living thing does seem to get easier with time, the choices seem to anyway. But the old demons are always there...just waiting for you to let your defenses down.
My worst habit has always been not eating. Yes, even as a 400 pound woman. I wake up and feed the kids, have my coffee....start my day. My body doesn't want food early in the morning. Lunch time comes around and I could take it or leave it. It's just not important to me....it's not something I even think about. If I let the demons win that day then sometime during afternoon hours I start to feel sluggish. There have been times i've even passed out. I have never starved myself in order to lose weight so that is not it. That's not what it's about. It's merely a behavior I created in my youth that has stuck with me all of these years. When my life is hectic and busy or stressful it's that particular demon that slips back into my life to reek havoc. It triggers other behaviors like making the wrong choices because of starvation, out of convenience or not drinking my water.
But I really do know better, i've learned so much over the years. So why does it keep happening? Why, when life throws me a curve ball and takes my focus away, do I have to keep digging myself out of the same trap over and over again?
It's important that I think of my body as an engine....a working machine...running constantly. In order for the machine to work properly it needs to be taken care of...well-oiled....nourished....fed. If I neglect to feed it, the engine doesn't work as it was intended to. It's slow and it's sluggish. If I don't give it the right balance of nutrients ...it stalls. I know that eating more frequently is what I need to do. I know from my own experience that it works. I've set goals with friends...i've placed breakfast bars on the counter so i'm sure to see them. There's not much I haven't tried. I really do work at it. I sometimes literally need to force myself to eat throughout the day. It pisses me off because my points are so precious to me. If i'm not hungry why should I eat, right? I do it because I know it's what I need to do. If I could, I would probably save most of them for dinner. This is what I used to do...and it worked. At some point, it stopped working. Sure, I maintain but that's not what I wanted or needed. Someone working that hard and paying attention should continue to lose weight. Isn't that what all the effort is for? Afterall that is the reward we get for these efforts is it not?.....
......Maybe not. Maybe that's not the true reward afterall.
It seems I have this maintenance thing down and that's really a wonderful thing considering the percentage of people who fail to keep weight off for any great length of time. I am still happy and proud of how far I have come and all that I have learned and continue to learn.
Am I really satisified though? Nope. But knowing myself, I probably never will be. :)
I want the jackpot!
So, how do I get there?
My life promises to get even crazier in the coming months. So many personal issues to deal with. The search for my brother coninues. New clues send me in all new directions on a daily bases. Not to mention what it does to my nerves! My home is still on the market. Having to keep up with everything in order for it to be shown, especially with the kids home for the summer, is a task in itself. The new home, once we get there, will require living in chaos for sometime. Cheering and football season begins soon. If you know me at all then you know how much I devote to that.
Can all of that be an excuse for not taking care of myself? Certainly not!
Every one of us has our cross to bear! Good things happen, bad things happen. Life turns on a dime. Isn't taking care of ourselves in the midst of all of this exactly what it's all about?
"Life is only 10% what happens to you....90% what you do with it!"
On the rare occasion I start to feel bad for myself, I have only to think back to the sick kids at Boston Children's hospital. The small suffering souls who don't even the get the choice to take care of themselves or not. You have only to look into the eyes of a sick child's mother to understand just how difficult life can really be. I relate to this so well and it helps me so much because I know her pain. Everything else pales in comparison.
Everything else...is an excuse!
Jul. 20th, 2004 @ 12:50 pm
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| » stress.... |
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Even with all I've been through it never ceases to amaze me just how much stress can effect me. I am the one on top of things...I am the one that saves everyone from their problems. I'm who you come to for support, to help you keep things in perspective...for answers. If I don't have them, it'll find them. I'm the one that reminds everyone that the glass is half full! To see the bright side. To see the good in good people and to pity the 'bad'.
My husband tells me I care too much...
Well, he's right, I do care too much...but this is something I like very much about myself. I don't want to care less. This trait very much defines who I am as a person and what I feel my life was meant for.
A shrink once told me that counseling would do someone like me no good. I would tend to counsel the counselor...I agree. I know me. I know when I need support and I have certain friends strong enough to handle the wrath of Kimmy....and her emotions. ;-) I do pull on them when I need them and they do help but still..... I am the one that must live with it all.
When there is something beyond my control or to see the people I love suffer it takes such a toll on me both emotionally and physically. It consumes me. It hurts so bad. My mind and body are both affected so much that I have to make a conscious effort to level myself and to keep everything in perspective several times a day. To be a mother, a wife, a friend...etc. I have to continually remind myself to take care of #1...me! That's the only way I can save the rest of the world, right?
I am strong...yet, i'm so goddamn easy to crumble.
I will help you find the power in yourself to rule the world ...or even rule it myself but tell me a sad/happy story and I will cry you a river.
I appreciate the intensity of my emotions because I truly do live my life and do see the beauty in every day ...and in every person.
But boy oh boy does that blessing come with a price! Is it worth it? I think so..yes.
May. 24th, 2004 @ 07:05 pm
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| » House pics... |
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I know alot of you have been asking to see the pictures I took of the house so here they are....
Front
Kitchen
Dining room
Kitchen again
Office/music
Office/computer
Venitian plaser in mudroom ~ for michelle ;-)
Living room
Kitchen again
Front Garden
May. 20th, 2004 @ 09:28 am
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| » Journals, Journals everywhere........... |
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It seems everyone has the journal bug lately. Did I do that? It's good therapy to get your thoughts out of your head and into words. I just hope that all of these people who have started to journal online remember to do it for themselves and not worry so much about what everyone reading it will think of them. That's really the only way it works. I've lost track now of everyone with a journal so if I don't link to you ...now you know why. btw.... Do all you live journal users know about the free software, like Semagic, that makes it easier to post?
May. 17th, 2004 @ 07:33 am
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| » It's good to be back!!! |
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Well folks, EzBoard seems to be up and running again and although they promise a faster and more reliable server I don't notice a big difference just yet. I cannot begin to tell you how frustrated I have been over the course of the last four days. I understand issues beyond our control sometimes arise when in transition like this but IMO this was handled very poorly by the folks at EzBoard. They didn't notify administrators or keep us up to date on what was going on. After they weren't up and for days that followed they noted new times on their main page that we would all be up and running only to keep changing them over..and over...and over again. I mean, if you don't know just say you don't know! For the amount of money we pay them for this service this is just not acceptable. Bad business...i'm not impressed. I guess maybe it's time to put my PERL programming knowledge to work and see what I can do about forming a back-up board on my server just in case.
How ironic that we would go down for this long after my question on the discussion board a couple of weeks ago. I got so many emails saying ..."Ok I lied...I can't live without it bring it back!" Cute. :-) If anything good could come of this my guess would be that it's realizing the significance of a good support system. Yes, i'm sure we could go on and live healthy and happy without Getting2Goal but I for one am sure glad we don't have to! We're lucky to have each other.
May. 1st, 2004 @ 01:58 pm
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| » Why didn't I think of that.... |
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Let's face it, fast food is almost like a drug. When there's the added delight....(aka as brainwashing tequniques) of dancing clowns, happiness and laughter and ummm ...a TOY....well it's hard to deny the kids a happy meal. I don't want them to think that their is something wrong with them for craving it. Greasy fries and burgers taste good man! The problem isn't even the 25g of fat (regular size) or even the serious lack of nutritional benefit. The real problem is the pull to it...the behavior, the ease of just driving up to a window for cheap, unhealthy food that taste good. I want them to understand that part of it. I want them to know that it's ok to want it and even have it but that they need to learn moderation. I want to know that when they're older and making more of their own choices they have the tools to be able to make healthy decisions. I want them to have what I didn't.
So we struck a deal sometime ago....we go to McDonald's once a week. Usually that day is Tuesday, after art class. When we pull up my choice is always the cobb salad with grilled chicken (no dressing) and I always ask them what they would like. I've often been asked by them which is the healthier choice....oh that makes me a proud mommy. The boy customarily orders the happy meal and passes mommy just one french fry for a taste. ;-) The meal is usually gone before we even get home, mostly because he wants to play outside with his friends as soon as we pull up. Although there's the initial wonder, the toy is usually forgotten or in the trash within a half hour or so.
Angela, however, has been choosing the bacon ranch salad over the happy meal for sometime now. Although I like to think that my example has been somewhat influential, this is really all her own choice. She's almost 12 now, and teetering on that child/adolescent line so of course she wants a toy too! Hell, I want a toy! hehe So she asked me why McDonald's doesn't offer a healthier option for kids, like salad, that includes a toy. What a smart kid I have! It was like a light bulb moment and I thought....hey, why didn't I think of that? Then I started to wonder the same and told her she should ask them herself!
She's e-mailing them about it. ;-)
So about a week later we're watching TV and see that McDonald's is, at some locations anyway, offering a pedometer with salad meal deals. I guess it was a great idea after all....at least it's a start!
Apr. 28th, 2004 @ 10:07 am
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| » My Father... |
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Today is the 5 year anniversary of my father's death.
My dad was just 51 when he died. He ran 8-12 miles everyday of my life and had a serious passion for body building. Some would even say he was addicted to his workouts. I tend to agree. He could and would run the distance of a marathon with no problem yet he never did participate in a marathon. He did it for him and nobody else. He was still able to outrun all of us kids into our late teen years. I was always in awe of his dedication to his running and training....of him really. I should have told him that. Funny how you see these things more as an adult than you do as a child.
He was the epitome of health.....or so we all thought. His mother, my grandmother, and brother both suffered terribly with diabetes and died horrible deaths. Although he grew up with the same poor diet and temptations I did, he was determined not to let the disease get him too. He just didn't want to live like that. He didn't want me to either. On more than one occasion he would start to lecture me on the dangers of obesity and of my added genetic connection to diabetes. It was always best just to nod in agreement as my father spoke. He was stubborn and opinionated and as much as I hate to admit it, he was usually right.
One day I finally did talk to him. I told him that I really did realized how obese I was, that I had to live with myself everyday. That I realized the danger my health was in. I also told him that I understood his concern and appreciated it but also that no matter what he or anybody else had to say to me none of it mattered until I was ready to help myself. And that someday....I would.
I don't remember him saying much to me regarding my weight after that.
My mother is much different a person. She is a born optimist. She's lost 40 pounds and maintained her weight since 1990..seemingly without struggle. To see out her eyes.... the sky is always blue and the birds are always singing. She'll make you think that anyway. I've learned in my 34 years that it's a good way to be and I do try to live my life this way now too. Life's too short to worry about that which you cannot change. It's a wonder they ever met and fell in love....but they did. Mom was a cheerleader and dad a football player for the high school in the city we all still live in. The same high school my husband and I met in. They were attractive, popular and, for the most part, very happy and very much in love. They stayed that way for a long time.
Dad could have went much further in his football career but they had us kids very young and his devotion turned towards his family. He had such a passion for all sports and passed that on to us. We were by no means wealthy but we never wanted for anything. My brothers and I participated in every sport we could and my parents were right there with us...at every practice...every game. Having kids of my own now...it's hard to imagine how they did it. Both of my brothers went on to college with some help from scholastic and athletic scholarships. Gary went to Northeastern University and Michael to Harvard ....so it wasn't cheap. But, as always, they found a way.
Like most families, we went through alot. My brother battled with depression, three of my four grandparents suffered horrible deaths and in 1994, we lost our son, Tyler, to a congenital heart defect. Tyler's death took a huge toll on my father. He was a big man but he was a marshmallow. Tyler was his first grandson and no doubt my dad had visions of wrestling with him, watching him play football and throwing the ball around with him in the back yard. I had those visions too.
After close to 30 years of marriage they had the three of us kids and now, still young themselves, they were watching their other grandchildren grow. Life was good.
When I started Weight Watchers my father was my biggest cheerleader. He would ask my mother every week "How did Kimmy do?" If I was around he'd often say "Good job kid!" This big burly man talking baby talk...that's when you knew he was really happy. He insisted on paying the fee even though I was capable of doing so. At every milestone I was rewarded in some way. At 100 pounds lost I got roses, a card, balloon and a pre-payment plan as a reward from my parents. One can only pray for that kind of support along this difficult journey.
By the spring of 1999 I had lost somewhere around 194 pounds. 161 since starting weight watchers and that's really what I go by since I didn't really know my heaviest weight until just this past year. He was so proud of me. No matter how old you get it's always a good feeling to make your parents proud. He knew my head was in the right place, he knew how determined and dedicated I was to this new lifestyle. He knew I had his strength and stubbornness.
My father had been a firefighter for about 30 years. For generations, many of the men in my family were, or had been, firefighters too. It's hard to explain the comradery unless you've experienced it first hand but these guys that worked with my dad are, by every definition of the word, family. Because of this I had been trained in CPR since early childhood. I had been taught how to take care of someone and had used what I had learned before....but this was my father.
We were actually on the way to my Weight Watcher's meeting when we pulled up in front of my parents house. Mark ran in to get keys. I'll never forget the look on his face when he yelled from the steps that my father wasn't breathing. I sent the kids, 6 and 3 at the time, off to the swing set and ran inside.
It's funny the things you notice and tend remember even years later. I noticed there was an empty Italian ice container with the spoon still in it, one of his favorite treats. The orange color still on his lips and tongue. The TV was tuned in to some sport channel. And there was my big, strong dad in favorite chair slumped over. I looked for a pulse and checked for breathing ....nothing.
Everyone talks about this extreme strength you get when you're under distress. I went into rescue mode. I told Mark to call the ambulance and before I knew it, my dad was up in my arms and I put him gently on the floor. He was a good 230 pounds so I don't know how I did it. I just knew I had to. I slapped him in the face and yelled at him. I still remember thinking it'd certainly never get away with that if he was ok....weird how the mind works. We checked again for any signs of life and began CPR. I couldn't think straight and at first my hands were all over his chest trying to get his heart going again. Mark was calm for me and took compressions over as I tried to breathe for my father.
I remember every sound....everything that went through my head......and most of all I remember the peaceful look on my father's face.
The ambulance was probably there in under two minutes but it seemed like forever. Because these guys were all family, I knew my dad was in the best hands now and that it was ok for me to breakdown. From that point on all I could think was ..."mom". She was away on a business trip, due to come home in a few hours. I ran into the kitchen and searched like mad for her itinerary. She needed to be here. I checked on the kids to be sure they were ok and our neighbor and friend from across the street, the wife of a firefighter, had heard it on the scanner and come over to take care of them. My aunt was running up the street from her house. Mark called my brother and my uncle Rich and told them to get to the hospital. The chief took me in his truck, behind the ambulance.
Close to the hospital the ambulance stopped in the middle of the road. The chief explained to me that meant they were using the defibrillator. It was then I knew he was really gone.
We pulled up and I was whisked into a private room while they rushed my father into trauma. I just remember pacing and thinking that I really needed to have Gale, my best friend, there....just for me. I called her and she was there in no time. Mark walked in....my brother and uncle showed up. After a few minutes a doctor came in, asked some questions and told me they were doing everything they could. If there was one thing we all knew it was that my father would not want to live if he could no longer do the things he loved to do and I passed that on to the doctor.
After some time we learned that my father had had a massive heart attack and that even if we had been there right when it happened there was probably nothing we could have done to save him. They took us in to see him.
There was a peace across his face like I have never seen. Somehow that comforted me.
I was so sad but at the same time I was angry. How could this happen? Why work so damn hard at taking care of yourself and doing the right thing when something like this can still happen? Tyler's loss had been so difficult for our entire family, why were suffering like this yet again? It wasn't fair. We walked out of the room into a flood of people. Almost everyone that knew my family was already out there waiting. Almost the entire fire department, the mayor...everyone. The crowd went out into the parking lot. How loved he was. He would have been overwhelmed.
My mother's company handled her arangments and found her already waiting in the airport for her flight home. She called and I heard my brother say "dad's dead". He is a strong man but I feared he would break and took the phone from him. I heard my mom scream "what?!" and told her we needed her to come home....just to get home. She said ok and thankfully got on an earlier flight. We called my brother, Michael, in California. He was in shock, disbelief, but also took the next flight home. The employees of the airline took good care of my mom and made sure she was ok until she got into our arms in Boston. The chief drove my brother and I to the airport to get her.
Because my grandfather and several of his uncles had passed away from heart failure she said she knew she'd probably lose dad early. They had talked about it. Never did they think it would be this early. She said if we waked my father he would come back to haunt us all so that wouldn't happen. She was right. They had just talked about how full his life had been. How he's done more than he ever imagined he would. The only thing left to do was go to the grand canyon and they had done that just weeks before. As usual...she was our strength.
My family has a history of congregating at my aunts house for everything...good and bad. When we arrived back from Boston it was no different. Everyone was there. The house was full and the support was overwhelming. As I looked around I could already hear my father's voice in my head...."Alright everyone cut the shit, sure i'm dead but it's time to remember my life.....enough with the tears." It was that night I started preparing his eulogy....
My Father...
He spoke many times of how rich his life had been thusfar...and of how happy he was. How he had everything he had ever dreamed his life to be. To look through all of the pictures and hear the stories our friends and family have told you...you would see how very true this is.
He had many passions. He loved sports and would sit in his chair with an assortment of remote controls watching two or more games at once, often while checking the scores of all the others.
He was a great athlete, worked hard to stay in shape and loved to run.
He loved his job...he took much pride in being a firefighter. All of you were like family to him.
He was stern at times and somewhat opinionated but would have given the shirt off his back for anyone.
He was a smart man, always having an answer or a way to find it.
He adored his grandchildren, his face would light up each time he saw them and he did everything he could to put a smile on their faces.
He was so proud of his children and we were all very well aware of this. He was, and remains, a great source of strength and encouragment for us and we learned well from his example.
Without a doubt, my father's greatest passion and love was my mother. He would rarely pass by her without a kiss and some sweet words. We learned to love ourselves and others by watching them and that is the best gift any parent can give to their child.
Although his life was cut short, he made the most of the time he did have and I know for certain that he would not want any of us to mourn his death. Instead he would much rather we celebrate his life and the memories we have of him.
Instead of the normal services we held a very short Mass at the church where my father was baptized and I spoke those very words on my family's behalf. The police shut down the roads and directed traffic......saluting the hearse that held my father's casket as the procession made it's way to cemetary. After we threw a big party in celebration of my father's life. For everything that he stood for. He was truly honored....it was touching and I knew he would be overwhelmed, and probably crying like a big baby, if he was watching. We had lots of pictures and talked about the good times. Many stories were shared....tears were shed but laughter was in abundance as well. The firefighters, young and old, stood up in a line..arm and arm and sang in tribute to him. The entire day was truly a moving tribute to a life that touched so many.
I had to work through alot of anger after that. Sure, my dad appeared more 'fit' on the outside than anyone we knew, but the reality was that his diet left alot to be desired. He ate what he wanted, when he wanted. His mom, my gram, was the best cook I've ever known and food = love in her eyes. That's just how it was back then. After mom started WW it was almost natural that my dad started to eat much healthier and the doctor's did even say that there were signs of healing after the autopsy. But years of a high fat diet combined with the genetic link to serious heart disease were much stronger than any exercise he could do.
It was an important lesson for us all. It doesn't matter what someone looks like on the outside. Looking 'fit' doesn't mean 'healthy'.
I struggled with my weight loss efforts for several months after that. Grief is hard work. But I never stopped trying...or believing. Several months after his death I realized I needed additional support. Gaining back all of that weight would be an injustice mostly to myself but also to my father's memory. My father had always taught us not to give up. To give everything we do 100% at all costs. That nothing is owed to you, nobody is 100% right and that life wouldn't always be easy but you had no choice but to suck it up and move forward...fight for what you want. So I faught. I had learned from my son's death that those who can really help you the most are the people who are going through the same thing. So, I reached out to a world of overweight people, people who could relate to me, and started Getting2Goal.
In a short time I took off what I had gained plus a few more and truly learned from all of you how to do this for life. I still struggle, i'm still not where I want to be and i'm still learning.... I hope I always will be, but I have not a doubt in my mind that this now a part of who I am. I have no regrets. If it weren't for the struggles of my life I would not be the person that I am. There's nothing I can't do...if I want it bad enough. Something I learned from him.
My faith has truly been tested over the years and I still waiver on exactly where I stand but I consider myself spiritual enough to pull strength from those I've lost and from all of the tragedy and trials I have faced. When I look out into the sky now and think of my father, I see him smiling...I see him taking care of and throwing the ball around with my son. I see him proud of where I am and where I tend to go with my life and I pull strength from him every time the word "can't" comes into my mind. His workout gloves, still in form of his own hands, stay by me...encouraging me to push on...letting me know that I can do more than I think I can. When I run I see his face...hear his breath and find in myself the same passion for exercise that he had.
So, you see, a big part of the reason you are all reading this now is because of my dad. Because of all he taught me. So on this anniversary of his death, a time of reflection, it was important to me that I share his life and death with all of you.
I am a testament to his life....Getting2Goal, in itself, is a testament to his life.
Thanks for reading.
Apr. 22nd, 2004 @ 05:42 pm
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| » Losing it.... |
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...my mind that is! My mother says it's because i'm getting old but I think it's more that i'm busy all the time with so many things on my mind. Last night I was rushing the kids around to get to a meeting that I ended up being an hour early for. What a shmuck! lol This is so unlike me but it's been happening more and more lately. I like being in control, prepared...structured so this is really bothersome to me. Oh well. There's more to it....
The last few days have been real tough as far as my allergies are concerned. Saturday I had a few symptoms that I attributed to working in the yard all day but they were very managable. On Sunday I started to feel very ill and since then I have had awful spells that reminded me of when I was first diagnosed. Yesterday was the worse. My head and nasal passages get so filled up it feels as though my head could explode. My throat begins to close and I can't catch my breath. I get violently nauseous and dizzy, can't think straight and even fear passing out. It really does consume me.
Anyway, since i'm allergic to dust too, I cleaned like a mad woman thinking that would help. Of course the cleaners bother me too but what are you going to do? I opened some windows in case it was just because the house was so closed up and since exercise makes me feel better, I hopped on the treadmill. The first mile was hell, I was cursing the allergy gods with every step, but it did get easier and I felt better after a couple more. Perhaps because I opened the window, I thought. So then i'm standing in the middle of the house doing my weights, concentrating on my breathing and sort of staring off into nothingness. Except it wasn't nothingness, it was an easter lily sitting in the middle of my kithcen table. I thought "how stupid are you" and put the lily outside on the back porch. Big surprise, I got better almost immediately. I feel like such an idiot. All that suffering when I know how allergic I am to ....ummm just about everything. I should have known better. I just hate that.
I was so angry at myself and upset because of how unfair I think it is for me to get this sick when all I do is try to stay healthy. Waaaa, Waaaa, Waaaa...... poor me, huh? Venting to those friends of mine that remind me to keep it all in perspective helped me to remember that it can always be, and has been, much worse. I found out what it was that was bothering me, I stayed OP, I exercised, I didn't resort to the medication that comes with symptoms of it's own. I did good!
There are very few people that I actually trust with my ranting and raving and poor me episodes. I am the painfully optomistic one that people usually come to for that kinda talk! lol These people I go to are the ones that shut me up and have the audacity to give me the advice that I should be giving myself. True friends. Thanks you guys!
Apr. 14th, 2004 @ 09:18 am
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| » OUCH! |
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Oh boy do I feel the burn! I "ow" with every step but I do love it so. "It's a good sore!" hehe It's been a while since i've actually felt so sore after a workout so I guess it's good ole Bob and the free weights for me from now on...and the new home gym is going to have to go to well....a new home. lol $300 to anyone living close to Leominster. ;-)
Everything has just fallen back into place. Journals out, exercise feels really good again and choices are easier to make. Weird how that happens. If only I had a button for the days it's not as simple.
Did alot of work in the yard today. My allergies were acting up but the symptoms are different than they used to be and easier to manage it seems. This is a good thing! Fingers crossed that lasts too. I fear standing up from this computer since it's the first time i've sat still today! lol
Well I do hope you all have a fabulous Easter Sunday. I've set a goal not to eat any easter candy at all. It's just easier for me that way. I do have my orange tic-tac silvers (20=1 point) in case i'm craving candy but I believe i'll do just fine with avoiding the rest. My reward for this will be a new adjustable weight bench that i've been wanting. My SIL, who is a fabulous cook, is making Easter dinner but i've planned ahead and will use many of the TIPS I always have to keep myself OP tomorrow. I do have five small neices including a new baby to cuddle with and the rest of my family and friends to enjoy the day without induldging in all the goodies. That is where my focus will be. All extra points will probably be used for my coors light. lol
Happy Easter!
Apr. 10th, 2004 @ 06:55 pm
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| » Feeling the burn! |
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So this is my new journal and since I can update with just the click of a button it's going to be so much easier to get here more often. I fear you may all get sick of my ramblings but I really needed to do this for me. It helps me clear my head and put my thoughts to words but the time it takes to update then upload to the website kept me from doing that as often as I would have liked. Another plus is that if you all have something to say to me regarding a particular entry, you can just submit a comment here instead of mailing me so it will cut down on that. Of course, if you are just a 'journal lurker' and someone that mails me privately please feel free to continue to do so.
I just finished my workout and the endorphins are pumping! I've been pretty discouraged with my exercise routine lately. I've been getting back outside alot and it feels good to go for miles and miles but that takes so much time and history has proven that I get little or no results (from the scale anyway) even when I go for miles on end. We bought a new home gym a few months ago and although i've been using it I don't feel the results like I did with my free weights. Spending all that time working out and not really feeling the burn is pretty discourageing so today I got my trusty fitness bible (Get with the Program) back out and got right back into phase three of Bob's plan. I'm going to be sore tomorrow and I am going to LOVE it! So, I guess the new plan is to continue eating well, move as much as I can and follow this strength training routine 3-4 times a week.
The 100 day challenge has only 11 days left and although i'm not sure about the numbers, since I gave up the scale, I feel good about the progress i've made. I was tempted to hop on a few times because i'm aware of my body enough to notice that I had lost but the challenge stopped me from doing that. I'm doing well for reasons that go beyond the numbers and that feels good however, I am looking forward to see just how well i've done since January 12th! Another thing I chose to give up was diet coke. For some reason the soda tends to stimulate my appetite. It may all just be psychological but whatever works, right? In any case, not only have I avoided diet coke since the start of the challenge, but i've decided not to bring it into the house regularly even after this challenge is over. I'm drinking alot more water now and that can only be good. No reason I can't continue with that. Let's see, what else?....i've given up salt again and believe i'll continue with that....hot chocolate, which is easy now that the weather is warmer... lol ...and ice cream! Now, the ice cream was more for the benefit of my friends not doing it alone and I did ok but I did have some WW desserts and even once some frozen yogurt and a small cup of what I think was ice cream. Even tho it was all in my point range I guess I didn't meet that one. When I think back to several years ago when a big bowl of ice cream was part of my daily routine I am pleased to know i've gained control over that red light.
The inspiration for my challenge was fitting into a pair of jeans I had worn last year that got too tight for me to button by Christmas time. Well, last week I put those jeans on and wore them again comfortably so I did meet that and am very pleased about that. It would be more meaningful if I hadn't already got down to that size but eh...the rest will come. I bought a pair of leather pants...yes, leather pants lol...in the next size down for a new inspiration! Will let you know when those are fitting.
btw...yes, the picture above is of me. It was done by my dear friend Russ who sometimes see's more in me than I see in myself. I thought it was perfect to put here!
Apr. 9th, 2004 @ 02:32 pm
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getting2goal's journal
